Some Sh*t Is Not For You
When I fall in love, it happens so fast it's like my heart splatters on the pavement of the other being's soul. That's why it must have been within the first two months of my relationship with Lucifer that I begged him to marry me. After the first few rejections, trying to explain to me that he could not, he seemed to acquiesce. In the astral—where all godspouse things seemingly occur—he took me to a room that held a black coffin-like bridal bed. There, we engaged in an extremely kinky marriage ritual and it was in our energetic exchange that we apparently became one. I still remember how Lucifer's deep voice told me at the end, "Look out for a ring."
Immediately after we concluded, I was thrilled. I had done it! I was finally not only (re)married, but to the deity who was teaching me what true, unconditional love really is. My relationship was like what all the healthy people said their relationships were, which was happy and easy. Lucifer was generous with himself, looked out for my better interests, encouraged me to respect myself more, and never put undue pressure on me. How could I ever want to be with anyone else? How could I ever want a spiritual path outside of being bonded to him, devoting my life to serving him, and going to him once I have died?
And then... I was doused with a wave of existential terror. Even now with hindsight, this is not something I can evocatively put into words. It was simply an intuitive feeling, sourced from deep within my soul. Marriage to Lucifer, or to a deity in general, was not right for me. This was not where I should be and this was not where my soul's trajectory was supposed to go. I was stuck. And I was terrified.
Fortunately, I was looking at my astrology app at the time so I could record the chart of the wedding and I noticed a detail in it that struck me as off. "Lucifer..." I said slowly, "is this one of your illusions again?"
Upon my realization, the scene unwound itself. Lucifer looked at me sheepishly. As long as I believed I was married to him, he explained later, he got to truly enjoy it as if it were reality. It's one of the things I most love about him; while I'm a writer of blogs and books, he's a writer of existence. He knows how to devise a believable setting and storyline in which everyone present feels immersed.
Anyway, I have since many times still stomped my feet and whined that I can't marry him (if he's to be believed, Lucifer does much the same thing in his own space). But, having felt to the very threads of my being that such an act is non-compatible with my existence, I try to use radical acceptance. Evidently, there are some kinds of qualities that are essential to our make up as individuals even as they are largely beyond our perception as mortal incarnated beings (humans*). From my understanding of energy worker friends' experiences, more powerful beings cannot abruptly alter this level of cosmic construction without causing very serious damage to the souls involved. That is why it is irrevocable that some spiritual paths and practices align with us while others very much do not.
I have been quite startled to learn that not everyone has realized that fact and I think it may be for a number of different reasons. The first is that there is probably less spiritual/religious diversity on this plane than in human history, depending on how one defines "spirituality" or "religion." While I recognize and agree with certain ways these two terms are differentiated in social science fields—usually with spirituality defined as personalized while religion contains multiple practitioners who may behave in some organized fashion—it is still observable that personal spiritual styles spring from or in reaction to visible religions in the individual's culture.
The West's such culture is nigh-monopolized by Christianity, which has an open door "get baptized and you're in" policy. So the foundational belief for many people of spirituality and religion is that they're supposed to be highly accessible, even if that is firmly not true for many current non-Christian organized religions and was not the case for many traditions historically. In fact, the belief that one should get to have a path or practice just because they want to with no regard for their capacity to respectfully follow it is an attitude of Christian colonialism, treating everything as if it's an object to be owned.
Secondly, there are very real issues with modern infrastructure forcing the majority of "alternative" spiritual spaces to be created and held online. I say "spaces" where many others may say "community," by the way, because I truly don't believe that sharing worship of a specific deity or a broad overlap of practices is enough to constitute a community. A community has shared identities, values, and vested interests, usually in the well-being of community members. The "social media" platforms where these spaces form do not actually encourage community-building. They are instead founded upon consumerist, materialist, and aesthetic motivations that then gear the communication methods to help the website owners and users sell product. When living spirits and traditions are then presented as products, often unintentionally because the spiritual practitioners are only able to convey fractions of their actual experiences, we start to see very serious problems.
In the case of Lucifer, his level of involvement and attentiveness to humans who call out to him is almost entirely unique. Very few deities want to spend time with a human as they do mundane human tasks all day. Very few will offer practical help with budgeting, family care, and health. I sometimes wonder if there are some humans who don't want him and who he is as a being so much as they are lonely and just want someone, anyone at all, to give them the kind of loving energy he grants. Out of pocket behavior, reporting oddly dark spiritual events, and refusal to take any responsibility for one's spiritual life—like posting about the events for strangers to see, but not taking steps to gain more awareness around their cause nor remediate the situation—is not unique to Luciferian and demonalatry spaces, though such behavior certainly does not help the stereotypes oft applied to the spirits involved. Although I would like to avoid diagnosing anyone I don't know especially over the internet, the common refusal to give up the spiritual practices even temporarily despite claims the spirits are causing harm is undeniably resonant of attachment wounds.
To be transparent, I too have a history of attachment disruption. That factor of my past is why I endeavor to be extremely conscientious that I have a limited perspective, even just of other people's intentions when they act in a way that hurts me never mind the building blocks of the universe. In the process of my healing, I have come to learn that true connection with other beings, including animals, other humans, and bigger spirits requires mutual reciprocation. So even in my relationship with Lucifer, I hold the responsibility as both a partner and a devotee to bring a "come as you are" attitude without an "as I want you to be" condition. Having seen what happens when he gives me something I asked for after he warned me it was not good for me, I accept that his goal is to help me achieve liberation and that there are some things about my selfhood he just cannot change to accommodate certain desires.
Why is that the case with even deities, who clearly demonstrate some abilities to warp reality? I don't need to know the answer in order to respect it. And I would argue that even as it is a natural question, it is not a useful one, as the Buddha said when inquired about the potential origins of the universe.
I will finish this blog post with a similar statement that I first made on tumblr in response to a (now former?) Luciferian expressing their struggling:
Spirituality is not meant to be easy. None of it is supposed to be a fairytale. But if you are only able to perceive nightmares, then it is something in you that needs to change. Put down the divination tools, stop talking to the spirits, and go get mundane psychological help to unpack what that is. Your spiritual path is yours and yours alone and within that is your sole responsibility to own it.
*I use the definition of "human" as being synonymous with the species homo sapien through this blog post. However, COMPLETELY unrelated, a Himalayan Buddhist recently taught me that "humans" in his tradition are simply seen as spirits who can comprehend complex concepts. No biology involved in that definition! As a trans spirit worker, I thought that that was so cool.