My Mother, the "Demon" Astaroth

There's a couple of reasons I haven't written so much about Astaroth yet, even though I have really wanted to. First, it's because it can be difficult to feel out how much I should share about my issues with my birth mother, which is the crux of my relationship with Astaroth. Secondly, it's very easy to get choked up in perfectionism when trying to express the level of gratitude I have for my goddess for supporting me through my mother wound.

My birth mother was completely unprepared to raise a neurodivergent child and remains unwilling to prepare herself to have a relationship with a transgender adult child. Anyone who has what they term narcissistic or emotionally immature parents, or is part of what is sometimes called the "estrangement community," is fully aware of what I have experienced throughout the entirety of my life. The unfortunate truth is that many humans have birthers or sperm donors, but not real parents. Parents put in the work to nurture you and accept who you are so that you can thrive. Narcissistic and emotionally immature parents do not have the capacity to do this work nor understand that parenting is supposed to be a selfless dynamic. In their eyes, the child is supposed to serve them and their endless insecurities and emotional needs. If the child struggles in life due to this expectation—as I did throughout the majority of my life—then the child is burdened with the blame of being a somehow self-invented failure with no self-reflection on the part of whom is supposed to be the adult.

Such dynamics with one's birther inevitably leads to the development of deep mental health problems, which not coincidentally is one of the areas that demonized spirits specialize. I hunted for a new mother for a long time in other human beings. In one case, I was eventually abandoned when a Jewish substitute realized I had sympathies with anti-Zionists (just one very strong illustration of how Israelism has completely destroyed the camaraderie all Jews once had with one another for simply being Jewish). In other cases, people simply were not prepared to help me hold the level of pain I carry with me on a daily basis especially in a culture that promotes individualism over co-regulation, which is a feature more prominent in communal living.

When I first met her, I had already assumed Astaroth was family, believing as the the historical texts said that if she descended from Inanna through Astarte, she must be the same as Inanna. My ancestors, ironically on my mother's side as that is where the Inanna worshippers were from, very quickly corrected me on this. I returned to Astaroth and confronted her with what I was told, since she had never said anything to the contrary. Even then, she didn't. She just smiled and said, "I would still love to be family, though."

I am not sure if even many theistic people have experienced what it is to be infused with not a deity's power, like in theurgy, but their supportive influence. What I will say is that if I appropriately set myself in a receptive state and ask for Astaroth to hold me, my mood instantaneously and enormously improves. I feel wrapped in the motherly arms I have not had in years and certainly did not get enough of in childhood. I am gifted with a sweet experience of being loved and fully seen for who I am that sets right any instability I feel in myself. Astaroth has both lulled me to sleep and stayed up with me all night nursing me when I was too sick to sleep. For all intents and purposes, she is my mother.

She also steps up to serve the less ideal functions of being a mother. There have been things in the recent past that I was unhappy with at the time regarding the work she was doing. For instance, I did not feel emotionally ready to leave the last city and state where I lived and quibbled with her about it. I was shut down in my complaints and told, "We cannot guarantee protecting you as things escalate [in the US]. We want you to move because we want you to be SAFE!" This came with strict instruction to stop hanging onto what I had had and re-focus that energy on building my future in my new residence. She also joined Lucifer in his efforts in removing my previous pantheon from my life, including being present to demonstrate why their lack of emotional connection to me was overall detrimental to my wellbeing. Terribly, like many other loving mothers, Astaroth is correct even when I don't want her to be. But in the long run, I have to admit I am much happier when she is.

I share my experiences with Astaroth both out of love for her and for the people who may in the future come into connection with her. I am not aware of any other practitioner that has this sort of mother/child relationship with her. The closest comparison I have found is that orishas in African Traditional Religions fulfill similar roles of parenting initiates, and I have been told by a friend who is a Brazilian Umbanda initiate that Astaroth is in fact followed as an important spirit in Luciferian Kimbanda, which is an ATR. Despite this, it remains that Astaroth's mothering me is one of the most important parts of my spiritual practice with demonized spirits that is not at all reflected in the historical grimoires.

As a last note, life is fucking tough right now. Many of us are living with loneliness and those who belong to marginalized groups always get the worst of it. Without enough emotional support, our suffering can only worsen. So please, do not be afraid to have relationships with deities or spirits that are emotionally intense. It is acceptable, even recommended, to find one who will hold you the way that Astaroth holds me.