A Solitary Path Coming to an End?

Summary: I examine the experience of meeting a Shaivite and Buddhist teacher that led to me considering the abdication of a purely solitary polytheist path. I mention the pitfalls of doing all the work yourself spiritually especially when neurodivergent.

Sometimes I write a rough draft of something on my Tumblr and then put the refined thoughts here. In this case, I think I articulated things well enough on my Tumblr that I can repeat it as a starting point:

"Yesterday, I had a really good in-person experience with a local Kashmiri Shaivite (with Dzögchen) community, led by an actual teacher with a lineage and self-proclaimed interest in "purism." By that she meant that she teaches very strictly to the teachings of both of her pathways in order to honor them and help her students gain as much fruit from them as possible. The greenest flag she put up for me was when she said, "A lot of modern religions focus on self-improvement and inner work. I don't do that. I teach people to connect outward instead of feed into the anxiety that leads to disengagement with the world." In this statement, she presumably included the continued unhappiness that comes with that disengagement.

This resonated so much because I notice that when I put too much energy into judging myself, assessing my pathway and practices, checking what my spirits tell me, I feel spiritually sicker and less confident in my way forward. A lot of my friends who have been in more community-oriented structures like traditional African religions have indicated that they feel the solitary spiritual pathways can be very navel-gazey and therefore less constructive. I once felt judged by this opinion, but as I have been exposed to so many other solitary spiritual seekers, particularly Luciferians, and find far more disagreement in our perspectives than agreement I understand what they meant. Even my own pathway in the last year has been inconsistent and I'm kind of sick of it.

I know my spirits love me because they hold me when I need it, look out for my health, and answer questions accurately when they materially matter. But other times it feels like they are "yes and"ing me, or all of us. It can feel frustrating because while I may have spiritual goals like pursue improving my energy perceptions and working, the choice is clearly up to me to figure out how I want to grow and be in relationship with the world via my practice and I don't think I can do all that alone anymore. I simply can't do the vetting, understanding, and safely guided growing as a solitary person that organized religions have after centuries of collaborative oversight. It's literally not possible.

The teacher I met yesterday turned 70 this year. She also said, "I have changed so much, including in many ways I had never thought I would change." I'm half as old as her and I've already experienced that. I went from a really timid, socially anxious, and friendless child to a mostly confident, high masking, and sometimes charismatic adult. I have always been a person who best flourished when doing things my own way. Now I'm wondering if I can change into a person who can be part of a community and sincerely follow someone wiser than me. "

Some important context to add: my therapist is currently assessing me for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a condition mostly conflated with germaphobia and neatness within the general population. The truth is, OCD is far more complex than this, particularly with the type of thinking associated with it being known for its rigid illogic. This thinking leads to obsessions and compulsions, the latter of which can include exhaustive and repetitive checking of things like door locks and stovetops. In my case, it's possible what I thought was spiritual discernment was actually the rigidity of thought I experienced in childhood now manifesting in a new way to terrify and exhaust me. Basically, I overthink, and I am coming to a point where I cannot consciously allow myself to behave the same way in an effort to build or continue a spiritual practice.

Combine this with a glaring contradiction: my perspective on my life is similar to that of the teacher, which she defined as seeing herself as a servant, to the divine and to the world. Basically, the vantage point is to be in relationship and to contribute to others in positive ways. It's now questionable for myself that the most effective way to be in relationship spiritually is to be in a solitary pathway. Or at least, if I am going to be keeping a regular devotional (sadhana) and meditation practice, I might as well have people to be accountable to on that front if not also have a teacher overseeing my growth.

My year anniversary of living in the Pacific Northwest is coming up and even my therapist remarked that I seem to see my current position very clearly. I'm not quite settled in, but the beginning is over. I have a general idea of where I live and the places I like to go. I started my second year of graduate school last week, including my internship at a local queer nonprofit. I also recognize the eclectic position of my spiritual path and its influences, giving me some options on how to gain new experiences and attain a sense of forward motion.

Yet, there's always a strange melancholia to the ending of an era because you're always losing something. Theoretically, I do not need to join any group. However, every spiritual "success" I have had has not come from my intellectual, over-rigorous checking, but from experiencing intuitions and following calls. I truly feel that this is one of those instances, which is what does not quite make it a choice. Thus, comes the loss of freedom. The spontaneous and undisciplined fun of the individual gives way to a deeper responsibility of interdependence.