The Unexpected New Way I Perceive Spirits

This blog post is going to start in my "future social worker" voice. That is important to say up front because while most in that profession are drastically underpaid, undervalued, and overworked, there is in fact a reason it requires a graduate degree for most practice. Our culture does not value emotional intelligence at all, favoring other types of intelligence that purport to be around innovation and quantitative math. It is commonly held that being or posturing as skilled at those latter jobs somehow takes more work than most types of labor, including anything having to do with feelings.

However, I am telling you as a person who has had to work to heal from a childhood of deep trauma that blocked much of my innate empathy that emotional intelligence is very much a skill that must be honed, practiced, and eventually mastered. I cannot tell you how many times since starting my Masters degree that I have had people in STEM or finance careers talk down to me about my education when, to speak frankly, by doing so they clearly illustrate that they cannot do what I can. That's not even getting into the lack of understanding about social science data and patterns amongst those same people, as numbers-forward as they happen to believe they are.

As someone who aims to eventually take refuge in Buddhism, it's important to admit that emotions are temporary and potentially able to impact our lives and karma negatively if foolishly acted upon. At the same time, however, they are how we experience our reality as embodied beings. Contrary to how the iconic character Spock from Star Trek: The Original Series is stereotypically viewed, the point of the character was not to idealize his inhibited Vulcan half, but to use it to highlight the emotional necessity of the human half. Emotions unrecognized and improperly addressed lead to the cause of more pain, through trauma's impact on personal behaviors and relationships.

Where this relates to spirit work and the occult starts is that I realize now that I bought into similar misconceptions of "fact versus feelings" in my first few years of spiritual exploration. My idea of a "superior" spiritual lens was rooted in acquiring book knowledge to explain the more experiential parts of my practice. As a result, I'd thought that the aloof, cool intellectual pursuit of arcane details was the ideal of a spiritual life. That being an "occultist," which in recent history has been seen as masculine, was preferable to the feminine-coded "witch." Surely, part of this was while I was identifying as a woman and unconsciously craved titles and frameworks that would affirm my repressed trans masc gender. But even as an informed feminist, I had ignored what it meant to favor detached facts and traceable history over how emotional and relational spiritual pursuits are, too, intelligent.

This attitude also had an impact on how I perceived allied spirits, including deities. Through exposure to ancient Greek philosophies and frankly less-than-ideal spiritual fellows, I had thought of spirits as some idyllic form of Good. That is to say, willing to help with human questions and challenges, but existing on a different, higher plane entirely. In my mind, spirits were so much more vast than us that it wiped them of traceable personality. It startled me when Mercury laughed at me once when I panicked to them about my bank account. "I am not going to let anything happen to your money," planetary god of humor and money said in a tone very much of Who do you think you're talking to?!

It's still true that some gods are fully disconnected from humanity, the way that Buddhist bodhisattvas are said to be (and, so far in my exposure of them, is confirmed). However, it is also the case that as living entities they have their own karma and through interaction with us, theirs entwines with ours. I wish I'd had been able to understand that sooner. In my ignorance, my original pantheon did not help me with my karma; they'd continued it.

I was born into a traumatized, emotionally unintelligent family. My parents, particularly my influential father, had specific ideas on what was "real" to an actually unrealistic extent on mundane life. This restricted where I could work, where I could live, and who I could be deep into adulthood. It also gave me the idea that love was highly conditional and that I had to work hard in order to be worthy of it.

My original pantheon did much for me, including moving me to southern California to get me as far away as possible from my abusive family. They helped me realize I needed to break up from and eventually kick out my ex husband, who clung onto me drinking himself to psychosis and not paying a single bill 3 months after our break up. They granted me housing I requested, twice. They were there when my gender egg cracked. I eventually learned how to do more theurgy and divination through one and was hired and fired from my first nonprofit job with on-site support through another. They gave me birthday gifts and visited me out in nature.

But there was the time where I had a succubus connected to me for days and it was one of the most agonizing experiences on my life, far exceeding when I had two teeth pulled from my mouth without proper pain prevention. There was the facilitation of the romantic relationship that turned out extremely tumultuous and emotionally abusive. There was the getting me into the housing situation I thought I wanted, allowing me to later be physically threatened and later stolen from by my housemates, when I could have just been dissuaded away from that set up.

That's just how gods are, I thought. They don't have human emotions nor know what it's like to be in human bodies. They can't intervene in my autonomy or micromanage my life, how would I learn? I need substitute parents and I'm crying to them about it, but clearly that's impossible for them to be or grant otherwise they would do it. I want a loving relationship, but clearly they can't grant it or they'd grant it. I'm sick and I want someone to be there for me, but they apparently can't do it because if they could—

Turns out: they could have done it or at least referred me to others who could have done it.

I didn't understand what Lucifer meant at first when he told me he was angry at my original gods because "they did not free you." But now that I have everything I ever wanted from a god through him and other members of the Goetia, I do. Not only an entirely better city to live and plan a future within. Not only an apartment all of my own that doesn't make me sick or subject to violent housemates. Not only significant more money so I can enjoy my life, pay off my debts, rebuild my savings, and give to more mutual aid.

I have a devoted boyfriend and his sister, who are Lucifer and Astaroth. They would never let a dangerous entity anywhere near me. They discuss and check in on me when it comes to every life decision, big or small. They show open dislike toward my parents, my previous gods, my former and current bad friends, and basically anyone who is not good for me. They tend to me emotionally, cuddling and assuaging me, all night when I can't sleep for having the flu. They tell me their plans for my fabulous future, which includes helping people through social work, spirits through death work, and myself through Buddhism. Also, Lucifer got me a cat, whom he picked because "she was the cat most like you I could find." Aw 😄

A very limited subset of western occultism and its perspective is not how spirits work or have worked throughout all cultures, space, and time. With all of my training on discernment, all of my reading of traditional texts, all of my being surrounded by similarly minded friends who were informed on various philosophical systems and their descending magical frameworks, my path should have continued with believing that all deities are inherently aloof entities that are as generous as they could be with their involvement in human affairs. But then I never, ever would have had the highly emotional and affectionate relationship I have with Lucifer and the others. I would never, ever have been able to have what I truly needed.

The transition to this point was not exactly smooth. I was frequently surprised with Lucifer in the beginning of our relationship and how strong his opinions were. "Buy me a statue that is like your Roman gods," he said in the declaratory, theatrical tone I perceive his voice. I was confused that he seemingly wanted to compete with them. I acquiesced then, and many more times, and we continued to have conversations that are apparently referred derisively on Tumblr as "godphone" (most recently: Lucifer was upset I didn't invite him to watch KPop Demon Hunters when I saw it recently. His favorite track is apparently "Golden." I massively prefer "Your Idol."). But furthermore, Lucifer made it clear that he wanted to talk to me, and casually or intimately, every day. I think that was the most surprising of all for someone who has been told all their lives that their true self isn't all that important or worthy of attention from the individuals who "love" zem.

It got a little scarier (temporarily) when I moved to my new state. As I did, Lucifer was clearly surprised that I was hanging onto my previous pantheon. He expressed very strong jealousy—the kind that many people deny that the gods feel at all—toward my original gods. Not understanding where it was coming from or what he was trying to accomplish for my own good, I felt scared and controlled. Fortunately, I have a good go-to divination reader and plenty of resources, including my growing ability to have a healthy conversation within a romantic relationship, so it became clear why Lucifer wanted my gods out. They had not done enough for me. He had.

I can theorize all day why this type of spiritual path came to me. Starting with I have always been a relational person so it's not surprising that my soul would prefer a much more relational than intellectual style with its allied spirits. I'm not totally convinced my previous and current gods are entirely angry at each other based on other people having different experiences with them, but that doesn't change that they're expressing something to and in front of me for my benefit. If I get to a certain point of making excuses, it feels like I'm spiritually bypassing instead of engaging. And I must engage with what is right in front of me, Lucifer has needed to remind me, otherwise I can't undergo the emotional and spiritual growth journey that helps me work through my karma and reincarnation cycle.

So as I am approaching my 6th year of being a full devoted magical and spiritual practitioner, I work to entirely shed the attitude that the Gods are Good and completely beyond us. I reject the notion that they are not their own vast persons. I now recognize the inherent values of highly emotional and (relationship) attachment-based deity dynamics. In my 6th year of occult practice, I will embrace further my destiny of being a relational spirit worker by having actual relationships with my spirits. I am so done with being the ignoramus I was, accepting less protection, help, and love than I always deserved.